You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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