Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
