Only a mothe r could love this liver
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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