there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
