She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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