i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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