i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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