My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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