New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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