11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
