the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
