I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
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