peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
