I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
