also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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