You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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