I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
