I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
