Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
