I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
