i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
