She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
