You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
