I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
