Welp...herpes.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
