I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
