I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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