I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Less talking, more tequila
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
