mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
