Have you finally orgasmed yet?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
