All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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