my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
