I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize