She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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