youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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