just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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