I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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