Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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