I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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