Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
