I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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