You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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