i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
PANTIES FOUND
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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