im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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