everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
