you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
