I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
