so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
