went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize