She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
