I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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