Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
