I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize