I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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