So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
