Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
