Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize